Monday, August 18, 2008

Is Your Man an Alpha?

Being a reader, as well as a writer of Romance, I am well familiar with the alpha male. I guess since I also happen to be of the male persuasion, I know a few things about the male perspective too. But does any of this maleness rolling around me like Pig Pen’s filth make me an expert on Alpha Males? Hell, I’m not even sure I’m an Alpha Male.

That said, let’s discuss the aspects of an Alpha Male. What turns your average man on the street into a raging tower of musculated Alpha-ness? I really have no idea, so I went to my friend Val, a noted expert on all things Alpha and Butler and asked her to outline the attributes of an alpha male. Per her definition, these are the things that make an Alpha Alpha.

Val’s Alpha Male defined: Alphas are arrogant, bossy, confidant, somewhat over confidant. They need to be in control. They are usually over-protective. It's also cool when in the romance, the alpha male goes to mush when he's around his woman!!

Just to make sure I got them all, I consulted with Morgan to make sure we weren’t missing anything and she added these.

Morgan O’s addendum to Alpha-ness:

"A good alpha won't quail in the face of PMS. In fact, he'll ignore it all together possibly with the exception of tossing chocolate at his mate if he knows what's good for him because he won't hesitate to do the things to bring his woman around to a loving frame of mind, because he does love lovin'. (PS: he also won’t ever mention aforementioned PMS as a possible cause of her irritability, for that would mean certain death.)"

Now that we more or less have a guideline by which to judge manliness, let’s see if the man slumped into your couch watching TV is an alpha or just part of the furniture in need of a good dusting. So, I’m going to run down the list.

Arrogant/bossy: True you might find it endearing in a Romance novel, but let the guy bent over, digging around in the fridge, scratching his butt, try to get all domineering and you’ll hand him his ass in very small pieces. Yet in a book, it’s okay. I’m a bit confused over this one, but too scared to try this bit of alphaness on the love of my life. So I guess I take a first strike on the Alpha Chart on this one. Maybe some man out there makes the grade on this one but I’ll check the Emergency Room records to see if any one was stupid enough to try it out.

Confident/overly so: Okay, all men are a bit confident. It may not be about the total package but somewhere in each man’s pitiful lives there is one thing without a doubt they are extremely confident about. Me, I’m confident about a few things. The number one being that my wife loves me. I figure after that, anything else isn’t important. Or least that’s what she tells me and I’m not crossing her on it. Looks like I can mark down a big X on the Alpha checklist. I’m on the board. Yah!

Alpha’s need to be in control: I got this one. Men are control freaks. I don’t know one guy who doesn’t need to have total control of the remote control to the TV. We may not have much power in this world, but I DARE any woman to come between us and our remotes. We might not fight for bathroom space or time. We might not even fight for more covers on a cold winter night, but we’ll be damned if we’ll let a woman come between us and our TV. That’s two on the alpha list for me. Looks like I need to buy that leather duster and those shit kickers. Before this thing is over I might be able to stomp a hole in Rambo’s butt.

Overprotective: This is a given. As a father of a teenage daughter, overprotective is my middle name. How many men out there haven’t turned into a crazed, foaming-at-the-mouth, madman the minute his one and only baby girl goes out on that first date? Same thing applies to our wives when we’re at the mall shopping and some jerkoff takes a gander at our wife when they think we’re not watching. Well, let me tell you, you look at my wife and I’m watching, you’re gonna get a stern stare from me. If you’re twice my size, I might wait til your back is turned but, buddy, you’re getting the look. On the flip side, if I catching you checking my daughter, you’ll be lucky to make it to the door with both kneecaps still attached. It isn’t that I love my daughter more than my wife but I know how scary my wife is. She can take care of herself. Another alpha moment marked and noted.

Alpha males go to mush when he's around his woman: I can’t think of one guy who doesn’t go to pieces around his woman. Around our friends we’re all Chuck Norris talking smack from every orifice we got. I won’t go into detail on that one, but we do it. The minute we’re alone with our lady, it’s like some mystical switch is thrown. We go from, My old lady don’t tell me what to do to Can I get you something baby? Tragic, I know, but it’s true. Other guys might not admit it, but I know they ALL do it. You with husbands know it’s true. I know y’all watch us out in the yard scratching and laughing with our buddies, talking so much crap it’s a wonder you don’t have to hose us down before we come through the door. Yet, when they’re gone, we’d do just about anything to make you happy. Maybe not a manly Alpha moment but it’s on Val’s list so it counts.

I’m not even going into Morgan O’s addendum. The true sign of being an Alpha male is never and I mean NEVER getting into a debate about PMS or anything else that might get us sent to the Health and Beauty aisle of the local department store.

So, am I Alpha? Maybe. I’m not taking any chances on coming out and saying so. At least not without consulting my wife first. Is your man Alpha? You’ve seen the list. What do you think? If I’m not willing to commit myself to Alphadom, I’m not about to speak for all men. In closing, if you love him, there must have been an Alpha moment in his life that let him sweep you off your feet. The secret is, let him read a good romance every once in awhile to recharge his engines. If that doesn’t work, you might need to read up on some alternatives. Maybe a nice rubber suit and order him to call you Mistress Darque.

Be sure to join us Wednesday for the 2nd half of our Alpha Blog with MorganO's opinion of what makes an Alpha Female all that she can be.


Kimber Chin said...


If you don't know if you're an alpha,
you aren't.
Most alphas are alphas from birth.
We'd love to be anything else
but that is who we are.

The romance alpha is a special breed.
I LOVE them.
They are fantasy but such a delicious fantasy.

Melanie Atkins said...

This is hilarious. I write alpha males. always--which makes since because I write cops. Hot, take charge men with big guns. Wahoo!

Sandy said...

ROFLMAO Great one. You're so funny.